I personally hate interviewing for jobs even more than I hate to audition. Watching auditions, as you have learned, is pretty surreal. But no audition tops the interview my boss and I held today with a woman we'll call "Linda".
Linda arrives 20 minutes late- had trouble finding parking. She blusters in eventually- she's here for the development director position. At first glance she seems mostly normal. Mid 50's, nice beige silk blouse, her hair is done. Wait- what's that? Purple eyeshadow? A little aggressive with the blush? We shake hands, she sits. Yes, the makeup is a bit heavy. But she's an actor, too you know, and a singer. Just a dramatic person, overall. Could be useful in theatre development...
We talk for awhile. Everything is fine. She maybe doesn't have all the skills we asked for, but she has others that could be useful. Blah, blah, blah. We start shooting around ideas. This could be good, maybe. We'll pass her resume along to the board. We ask if she has any questions about the theater. She has a few typical ones. Yes, yes, good enough, we'll be in touch. But oh, no, wait for it, she has one more question:
Linda: "I am a Christian woman. I need to know whether or not your theatre produces plays that promote- homosexuality."
George: "Excuse me?"
Linda: "I could not be a part of-"
George: "'Promote', did you say?"
Me: "We do a variety of plays-"
George: "That reflect the world around us-"
Linda: "You see, I go to church every Sunday. And I am also a gospel singer. And it would be very difficult for me to stand up in church every Sunday while promoting the type of work, and I can tell by the way you are looking at me and by what you just said, that it is the type of work you do, I mean it is, isn't it? The type of work that you do? "
George: "Homosexual, you mean? I'm sure we have."
Me: "And we certainly would never exclude it."
Linda: "I mean, I don't mind some types of adult situations, of course. just not those kinds of situations-"
George: "Homosexual, yes. I see. If you have issues with certain types of 'language' you will also find difficulty-"
Linda: "That's so sad. that's just so sad. I really LIKED the two of you. I knew from just shaking your hands. But I had to bring it up because-"
Me: "We would never ask anyone to do something outside of their belief system."
Linda: "Because I couldn't. I couldn't promote something that goes against the doctrine of the Scriptures."
George: "Of course. Well-"
Linda: "Well, that pretty much seals the deal, then, doesn't it?"
Me: "It's good you brought it up."
Linda: "Because I believe that your theatre should be doing family programming. Something that all ages can enjoy. I believe that you should do the type of work that the lord-"
George: "Thank you so much for coming in."
Me: "It was so nice to meet you."
Linda: "You too. Do you have auditions?"
Me: "Yes. But I'm not sure whether you would be interested in the type of work-"
Linda: "Oh, some things can be adapted. Some directors are very understanding-"
George: "Yes, well-"
Me: "Take care now."
George: "Do you think she's going home to masturbate?"
And then we laughed like the evil, homo-loving, shit-talking hedonists that we are. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!
If any of you see any Satan worshipping Development Directors loping around your local graveyard, tell them we'd love to discuss an employment opportunity with them, ok?